So everyone knows that I've been struggling with my weight and being more active for the past few years, so a couple of months ago a friend of mine told me that she was going to be running the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon this year and that I should consider doing it. I think I actually laughed at her. Seriously. She said she was going to be doing the half, which is 13.1 miles. Yep, 13.1 miles. I was thinking, "I don't run. I don't jog. I don't like to go for a walk unless it's sunny and perfect outside. How on earth will this body be able to get through that distance in a couple of months?!" (The marathon is on April 25th, by the way). I haven't run since high school, I hated it then, and that was when I was in the best shape of my life! That was the day that started me thinking about how sick of being unhappy with how I look I was and how this would be something that I accomplished on my own, that no one could do or finish for me, and not one bad thing could come out of doing it. I kept thinking about it and started talking to friends who run and have run marathons and 5K races and decided that I wanted to fit into that group of people. I could finally become the person who says "I'm going to go for a run" and actually be able to do it and enjoy it. I would lose weight, get healthier on the inside, and be proud of something that I actually finished, and other people would be proud of me too. I finally decided that I was going to try it, and it's been a roller coaster ever since. I say 'ever since' like it was years ago, but to me it really does feel like the past month and a half has been forever!
That next weekend, Chris and I went to get shoes, and I started telling people that I was going to be participating in the race. I figured that once I told people I was doing it, there wasn't any way I could back out! I was kind of surprised about the reactions I received, but I guess when you don't work out or anything and have let yourself go, not everyone is going to be 100% behind you. Participating in a half isn't any easy task. All of my friends (especially the ones who run!) were, and have been, extremely supportive and excited for me, and I think the people who care about me can see how big of a deal this is for me to do. Some people were skeptical, and honestly, I think a lot of people were negative about it because of my weight. I got a lot of, "You really should think about injuries and being safe," and "That's a long way for someone who hasn't been training already," but I'm not expecting to run this thing, I just want to finish. My friend who will be with me on race day keeps reminding me of that, so I keep saying it out loud. Here are my first official pair of running shoes!
So I started running. Well, more like jogging. Kind of. Mac goes with us and at the speed I'm going, his little 5 inch long legs keep up at a fast walking pace. Sad, I know. In the first week I went every day, and I could see differences in my breathing, and I seemed like I could go just a little longer without walking each day. I even lost weight! Then my legs started hurting. My shins literally hurt to the touch, and every impact on the pavement was like torture. I talked to just about everyone I know (yes, I know I was/am driving people crazy with running talk...) and came to the conclusion that it might be my shoes, and that I needed to get re-fit. So here are pair of shoes #2.
I just got them last weekend, so I'm hoping that in the next few runs I will start to feel a difference. My legs still hurt really badly, but I think it's from my body being out of shape more than anything. Or else I hope so. Yesterday's run wasn't a good one. I cried for the first time because I am so frustrated with my lack of progress and I just want to see something good happen soon. I know I just have to keep doing it, and I am proud of myself for not just giving up by now.
Something that I don't think a lot of people realize is that this isn't just a physical victory for me, it's also a psychological one. I've really realized lately that I am terrified of failing. At anything and everything. My sewing machine scares me. I collect pieces of projects and am afraid that if I start them and they don't go the way I want them to, I won't be able to fix them. So I don't start a lot of things. I give up way too easily, and doing this race won't allow me to give up. I want to say that I did this half, not we, and it's something that I can have as my own. Because no one else can do it for me, and though I will have a lot of support from friends and family, I am ultimately the one that has to get myself through it. I will be thanking everyone like crazy for helping me through this, and I'm sure I'm not the only one counting down the days until it's here - my obsession with this is probably driving everyone I talk to insane :) Here's to battling that inner wall holding us all back in some way, and may we all learn to overcome it and be proud of what we can accomplish!
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