As many of my friends are aware, I have been extremely frustrated with things going on with my body for a while now. I probably come off to them as just another person complaining about the mundane things in life and are honestly probably pretty annoyed. I try not to let it affect my life outside of home, but I know it is not just taking a toll on me anymore, it's Chris, it's family, it's coworkers, it's everyone. It all started with bad 'times of the month' for me, and after seeing a few doctors we thought we had it figured out. Boy, how we were wrong. After seeing a bunch of doctors, I was diagnosed with PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome*, and with my unfortunate history of a DVT (deep vein thrombosis) a few years ago, the 'easy' fix of taking birth control pills isn't possible. The PCOS makes me a different person, someone that frankly, I hate. I've gained a ton of weight, my skin has reverted back to looking like I'm going through puberty, I'm anxious, I'm depressed, I take narcotic pain meds once a month to get through the first day of my period, I have panic attacks, and I am extremely emotional. That's not even all of it. Basically, I am a man's worst nightmare every day of my life. I don't know what to do, because I am sick of seeing doctors, sick of having blood drawn, and I'm sick of feeling like this. As if all of this wasn't enough to handle, the past couple of years have revealed some more problems. I have something going on with my stomach, and it isn't uncommon for me to feel like I have food poisoning at least a couple of times a week. I get horrible stomach cramps, I feel shaky, sick, and just downright gross almost every day. A couple of months ago, I was so nauseous, I didn't eat for days and even ended up in the ER because I felt like I was out of options and wasn't getting any better. I've been through a colonoscopy at 23 years old, an endoscopy procedure at 24, and TONS of blood work with no results. I keep getting the same answer: "We are pretty sure something is wrong, but we don't know what it is. Follow up with your other doctor." Lately I've been getting dizzy, like almost blackout dizzy, and I am extremely tired all the time, no matter how much sleep I get. I am so incredibly sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I know that to a normal person I sound like a hypochondriac and I don't know what to do.
I know this is ruining relationships, and making me seem like I'm crazy. I don't know how Chris puts up with it all, and I'm honestly surprised that he's still around. I see it in his eyes every single time I tell him something is wrong. I see his face when I tell him that there has to be something going on inside me that isn't normal, and it kills me every time. He's trying his best to be supportive, but I am terrified that he is going to just give up on me some day. I've watched the medical shows where people say that when you feel in your gut that something is wrong, keep pursuing it, keep pushing it to your doctors, keep going until you get answers. Well I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining my symptoms to doctor after doctor that believes that taking pills will 'fix' me. I feel like I'm losing myself and that there's no possible way I can be happy again, because I don't feel like there is an end to all of this in sight. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Surely a person can't feel like this forever - there HAS to be some resolution eventually," but then I revert back to feeling defeated. I'm stuck, I'm tired, I feel horrible, and I just want to get better. I used to see the women on these shows saying how they were ready to give up because their life was so devastated by whatever illness they had, and I would sit here and wonder how on earth someone could feel that horrible about feeling bad, but now I get it. I feel their pain. I feel their sadness, I feel their defeat. I need help, and I need someone to help me feel better again. I'm sick of taking pills to block the feelings and I'm sick of this shell that has become my body.
All of this sounds like an exaggeration because no, I don't have cancer, I don't have anything really visibly wrong with me, and I know there are millions of people who are really truly sicker than me, but believe me when I say it's not. All anyone really knows is that I always say that I don't feel well, and I am always frustrated with life. Well, this is why. I feel like something is wrong. I know that how I feel isn't normal. I don't know what else to do. I haven't said all of this to anyone before, and I'm hoping that if I keep reaching, maybe someone with some knowledge or connections will somehow be reaching back. This is me reaching.
* http://women.webmd.com/tc/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos-topic-overview
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